I had the privilege of walking with Rachael through a portion of her journey. I am honored to call her a friend. Redeemer is my favorite word for our God. She is truly an ornament of His splendor. DPH Read on…
I never was good at relationships. I had a lot to hide. I held people at a distance, afraid if they really knew me they would be disgusted, appalled, shocked and want to run. I was overly-concerned with what people were thinking about me. Looking back, I was always striving to please and give an impressive presentation of myself suitable to the person I was deceiving.
I didn’t know who I was. I hated the woman I had become.
When I didn’t measure up to people’s expectations or even worse, my own… I would plunge myself into condemnation. A shame so deep that it kept me in a cycle of addiction and performance for over 20 years. I couldn’t breathe. The panic and anxiety related to failure had stolen my breath. I was lifeless and looked like it.
Almost two years ago, I was at that place again… Smoking, drinking, homosexual, hopeless, suicidal, addicted, lying, stealing, trying to maintain, barely surviving and completely desperate. I was headed for jail or rehab again. That’s usually where I ended up. I just wanted to die. I would imagine and plan my death.
I believed in God. I was raised that way. I was a Christian who couldn’t find God when I needed Him the most. I remember laying in bed night after night crying out to God, sometimes begging in desperation and sometimes mad as hell. I tried everything to get His attention.
I heard in Job that if you cursed God you would die. I did. I didn’t die… at least not the way I thought I would.
Rock Hobbs from Transformation Ministries told me about a lady coming to speak to the prison ministry teams and recovery groups at Church of the Highlands and suggested I come hear her. He said he could introduce me and maybe I could talk to her about what I was going through. I went. I was high and weighed less than 100 lbs. This beautiful woman got up and she was glowing. She was excited about God. She was just on fire! She gave her testimony about how God had radically saved her and delivered her from a 26 year addiction to crack and a life of prostitution. And… How He had given her a vision to have homes for women in addiction and bondage to teach them how to live and be on fire for Jesus. I could feel hope being birthed in my soul and tears started pouring down my checks. She said, “If He can do it for me, He can do it for you!” I believed that and I wanted it more than anything. I met Dawn that night. The next day she said if I was serious about getting help, then I could come back to Daytona Beach with her and live in her Radical discipleship home for women. I said, “Yes.”
Down at the house, I started learning about a relationship with Jesus, the Father and the Holy Spirit. I wiped the slate clean of my mind and heart from everything I learned in Christian school, college and growing up in church. I asked the Father to teach me about His love for me. I began to die. Sometimes it was instant and sometimes it was a process. I’m still dying… it is so ugly and beautiful at the same time. I can tell you I was instantly healed from all my addictions and had no withdrawals, which is a huge miracle. The Lord started renewing my mind in His presence and with His word. We spent a lot of time on our faces, hands and knees in the living room at 6am just listening to worship music, soaking in His presence and letting Him lavish His love on me. It was different than anything I had ever heard of or tried. One morning, in His presence I had a vision of Him. The Father was holding me as a baby, probably about a year old. He had my head cradled in His hand. He was washing my hair with His other hand, and then He took a cup of water and rinsed my head. He bent down and kissed me on my forehead. Then my nose. Then right on my lips. He said, “You don’t kiss other people’s babies on the lips, only your own flesh and blood. You are mine!” That completely changed me. That was my first time getting wrecked, completely undone in His presence by His touch and voice. All of a sudden in an instant He was real and I was His.
As my old self continued to be exposed in order for it to die, my true identity began to come to life. The Father started showing me how I am a precious, princess and all He wants is for us to spend time together. He relates to me. He gets me. He knows everything about me and has always been there and will be. I am in awe-struck wonder of His love for me. He has taken the limits off what He can do! I have seen Him heal mental illness, addiction and restore families that were “beyond repair”. He does miracles on a daily basis and impossible things are “normal” for me, as His beloved daughter and heir.
In Florida, I have a PIN number which gives me entry into every prison in the state. I have ministered to the women on Florida’s Life Row ( death row, renamed by Dawn Adkins and the Holy Spirit). God is so good!
I believe God has brought me back to Birmingham for Freedom. Not only am I a carrier, but I am contagious. The Father has some precious little ones here who are bound by addiction and performance and He has heard their cry, just like He heard mine. He has given me a vision to open a home here so that women can have an intimate relationship with Him and learn how to live, “On earth as it is Heaven